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Dawn of the Commercials
(The opening. After that, we see the door to the filming room. Just then, NC step out with his "I O Donuts" on. He also epically looks onward to the fake audience cheering for him as an epic choir sings. NC then walks through the right archway.) NC (voiceover): (as crowd member) Uh, does he know the TV's the other way? (NC returns, as the choir and cheering resumes, then sits on his sofa and picks up his remote.) NC: Let's review some commercials. (He turns on his TV. TV static transition to: various commercials.) NC (voiceover): Yep, it's that time again to tour down the often forgotten, but fondly remembered, avenue of nostalgic commercials. Why do so many of them stay with us? What is it about their world of pandering and advertising that makes us so fond of them? Whatever it is, we're gonna review them and partake in their corniness once more. NC: So, seeing how the 1st one I called "We'll be Right Back"* and the 2nd one "After These Messages"** and the 3rd one "!", this one I'm gonna call..."The Fourth One". (We see the “After These Messages” bumpers as seen on ABC) Three Clay Female Singers: After these messages... Clay Fire Hydrant (sings): After these messages... Clay Cowboy (sings): After these messages... Clay Dog (sings): After these messages... (The title "The Fourth One" is shown) Three Clay Female Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back! (TV static transition to: Chef Boyardee commercial) Kid: Dinosaurs! Come on! Announcer: Capture those dinosaurs. It's the dinosaur hunt. Chef Boyardee. NC: (vo) Ah, good ol' Chef Boyardee, causing children around the world to grow up and shout "I can't believe I used to put this in my body." Announcer: Dinosaurs from Chef Boyardee. Tasty, wholesome pasta that's a dinosaur hunt. NC: "Tasty wholesome pasta." I can think of three things wrong with that sentence. Pac-Man: Thank goodness for new Pac-Man pasta from Chef Boyardee. NC: (vo) Now, of course making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac-Man, Smurfs. Hell, even Tic-Tac-Toe got a pasta. Announcer: Everywhere I go, it's X's and O's. Makes me feel so hungry for Tic-Tac-Toe. NC: (vo) What some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products. Yeah, listen. Announcer: And when you get three x's or o's on your spoon, you win. Announcer: First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins. NC: (vo) Why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be: Announcer (Malcolm Ray): Hey kids, if you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomitting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win. Kids: Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee. NC: (vo) Look at this crazy kid. He is jacked up on this stuff. Just look at that face (close on kid's large grin). He saw Jesus and at the same time decided he wanted to eat him. Announcer: Everywhere I go, it's X's and O's. NC as Kid: Ahhhhh! Announcer: They're so tasty. Chef Boyardee. NC: (vo) Well, even if you don't like the food, Chef Boyardee always knew how to give us that tasty amount of goofiness. Announcer: Tic Tic Tic Tic Tic Tac Toes. With and without meatballs. NC as Kid: Ahhhh! (TV static transition to: McDonalds commercials) Ronald McDonald: Hi, Lindsey. Lindsey: Oh, hi Ronald. NC: (vo) Oh god, you can't help but feel that warm fuzzy feeling whenever you watch this classic. Ronald: What's new? Lindsey: Nothing. Everybody says I'm too little. Ronald: Really? NC: (vo) It's a McDonald's commercial about a little girl thinking about running away but, for some reason, never questions the creepy clown that's on her neighbor's lawn. Lindsey: I'm thinking of running away to McDonaldland. Ronald: McDonaldland? That's where I'm from. NC as Lindsey: I hear it's a dictatorship where people disappear. NC as Ronald: Well, Lindsey, maybe there's some undesireables that are holding back genetic progress. Lindsey: Yeah, I hear it's really nice. Ronald: I hear where you're from is really nice, too. Lindsey: It's OK. Ronald: Cause you got that basketball hoop over your garage and your back porch has that great wind chime. Lindsey: I made that. Ronald: (Makes a butterfly appear in his hands) Plus there's that beautiful feel. Lindsey: Where I kiss(?) butterflies. NC: (vo) Yeah, but to be fair, her basketball hoop and wind chime aren't as impressive as your satanic powers to levitate solid mass and create life from nothingness. McDonaldland is still sounding a bit cooler there, Ronald. Ronald: Hey, when you're in McDonaldland, whose gonna make the decorations for your dad's birthday party? Whose gonna be the snowflake in the school play? Lindsey: Ronald. Ronald: Whose gonna feed Mr. Goldfish? Lindsey: Hey, Ronald. I think I hear my mom calling me. Ronald: Oh, Ok. Bye Lindsey. Lindsey: Bye. NC: (vo) Yeah, it all seems sweet and cute until you realize this was a stranger danger commercial. Audience: Boooo! NC: Oh, come on. I can't be the first person to think that about Ronald McDonald. I mean, look at him in this commercial. (Shows a McDonalds commercial of a girl making a Ronald snowman) Ronald: He's good, but I think he's missing something. Girl: What? (He blows some snow to make another snowman appear) Ronald: A friend. NC: (vo) Yeah, if a strange man dressed like a clown lures you with magic tricks and, oh, I don't know, offers you McDonalds to go with him, chances are you should probably run for home, or as Sonic puts it: Sonic the Hedgehog: You get outta there. NC: (vo) Just look at the way Ronald stares at her in this scene. Ronald: I think he's missing something. A friend. (Shows Ronald's smile with creepy music in the background) NC: (vo) If someone went up to your kid and smiled like this... (NC grins creepily with the same creepy music) NC: (vo) ...I'd pull her the fuck away from him. Oh well, as much as I make fun of them, I still love both these commercials around Christmas time. Announcer: McDonald's wishes you a holiday season spent with the people who make you smile. NC: Brought to you by a company set to sabotage your arterries for the rest of your life. Ronald: Bye Lindsey. Lindsey: Bye. (Creepy music) (TV static transition to: A Batman Returns commercial) NC: (vo) So, you think celebrity endorsements are bad now? Take a look what they did to the Caped Crusader when Batman Returns came out. (Batman stops the Batmobile in front of vending machine) Reporter: News alert. Someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply. NC: (vo) That's right. Is he gonna stop rioters or capture the culprit responsible for this crime? Fuck no. He's gonna get him some Diet Coke. (Batman races through Gotham City) Announcer: When you want a Diet Coke, you want a Diet Coke. NC: (vo as Batman) Diet Coke! Diet Coke! Diet Coke! I need my Diet Coke. Announcer: After all, there's just one. NC: (vo as Batman) I need my fucking Diet COKE!!! (Shows clips from the movie) NC: (vo as Batman) Goddamn traffic, get out of the way. I need my fat-free alternative to high fructose deliciousness. NC: (vo as Alfred) Sir, don't you think you're taking this a little too far? NC: (vo as Batman) Fuck you, Mr. Belvadere! DIET COOOOOKE!!! Announcer: After all, there's just one. (Batman approaches the vending machine as Catwoman laughs over him on the rooftop) NC: (vo) But we discover it was Catwoman who was the culprit all along (Catwoman laughs and throws a Diet Coke down) Boy, slow week for her, isn't it? I mean, was this really her grand plan? Shut down the city so she could tease Batman's bizarre low-calorie soda fetish? No offence, Selena, but you could do better. (Batman catches the soda with his bat-grappling hook) Announcer: Diet Coke, just for the taste. NC: (chuckles) No, that's the last reason anybody drinks it. The first reason is, well now honestly, because Batman drinks it. NC: (vo) He loves it so much, he would literally let the city DIE just to get the last one. That's probably the best endorsement you can give a product. NC: So, eh, I guess it works. Announcer: Diet Coke, just for the taste. NC: (vo as Batman) DIET COOOOKE!!! (TV Static transition to: Toys R Us commercial) Jenny Lewis: (singing) I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid. NC: (vo) Another classic collection of commercials we can't forget along with that wonderful jingle we can't forget. Peter Jacobs: (singing) I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid. Scott Nemes: (singing) They got the best for so much less, you'll really flip your lid. NC: (vo) They're charming commercials and all, but is it me or does this sound like the national anthem for adults who never really DID grow up? You know, those man-children and ... women-children who never wanted to do anything with their lives except play with their toys? I'm telling you. It's all because of this jingle. NC: Don't believe me? The sequel commercial that came out years later proves it. Jenny Lewis: (singing) I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid. Adult Jenny Lewis: (singing) They've got a million... NC: (vo) Look at that, they're in the exact same location. Peter Jacobs: (singing) I don't want to grow up. Adult Peter Jacobs: (singing) I'm a Toys R Us kid. Scott Nemes: (singing) They got the best for so much less. Adult Scott Nemes: (singing) You'll really flip your lid. NC: (vo) It's like no time has passed. They never left their parents' place. This is their life. Lindsey Price: (singing) From bike to trains to video games. Adult Lindsey Price: (singing) It's the biggest toy store there is. NC: (vo) In fact, the more I think about it, they're probably still there even to this day. (Cut to Malcolm Ray at his computer with his keyboard covered in toy guns and candy) Mom: (vo by Rachel Tietz) Reggie! Reggie: Go away, Mom! Mom: Reggie, when are you gonna get a job? Reggie: I told you, Mom. I'm a Toys R Us kid. Mom: You keep saying that, but what does it mean? Reggie: You couldn't possibly understand, Mom. Mom: I'm never gonna have any grandchildren. Reggie: They just complicate the plan, Mom. The Toys R Us plan. Mom: I'm gonna watch old home movies of ya and see where I went wrong. Reggie: Toys R Us kid, Mom! Toys R Us kid! NC: (vo) The only other problem I had with these commercials was that half the toys were never AT Toys R Us. You ever noticed that? I don't know if it was a copyright thing or what, but half of these products they were advertising were never at the store. NC: Like imagine if you were a Ninja Turtle nut, like I was. Look at THESE fucking things! (Showings dancing Ninja Turtles) NC: (vo) Holy shit! I want the life-size dancing Ninja Turtles, please! (big red letters appear that read:Don't Have It!) NC: What? Don't have it? Well, OK. I'll take that gigantic teddy bear he's bouncing around on. (big red letters appear that read:Don't Have It) NC: What? Well, how about that game where you bomb the battleship? (big red letters appear that read:Don't Have It) NC: Fuck you! Look through the store. There has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship. Gah, this place is an insult to Gee-off-rey the Giraffe. (big read letters appear that read:He's Not Real) NC: He's not real? (big read letters appear that read:No!) NC: (sad face) I don't want to grow up!(puts his head in his hands) Mom: Critic, when are you gonna get a job? NC: Shut up, Mom! Kids: I want to be a Toys R Us kid. NC: (vo) Fucking liars! (TV static transition to: Count Chocula commercial) Count Chocula: Chocolatey cereal with Chocolatey marshmallow bats. NC: (vo) Believe it or not, there was actually a period of time when Count Chocula was a live-action character, and would YOU like to see what he looks like? (Shows the creepy looking Count with sunken in eyes and a very large cleft chin) Count Chocula: If you crave chocolate... NC: AHHH! Count Chocula: Count Chocula cereal can satisfy the chocolate monster in YOU! NC: What the HELL is that?! It looks like a silly putty combo of the Nesquik Bunny and fat Weird Al Yankovic! And okay...that chin seriously needs to be censored. I swear I'm ooking at Forest Whiticer's testicles right now and that should NOT be under the chin of any cereal mascot. Count Chocula:Something happens to Mickey at day... Mickey:Chocolate! Count Chocula:The chocoate monster in him comes out for a bite. NC:I don't even know what the commercial's about.It's a monster that wakes up but when he's fed Count Chocula he turns back into a kid...I-I-WHO CARES?! You can't you'r eyes of that image of Robin Williams coming out of a muppet's butt! Count Chocula:You you crave chocolate cereal... NC: GAHH!!!Turn away,turn it away! Burn it with acid! Count Chocula: Count Chocula satisfies your chocolate monster...in no time flat! Count Chocula(vo):The monsterously good part of a complete breakfast. Count Chocula:Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you! NC: You stay the fuck away from my chocoate monster!